Friday, May 7, 2010

Burning Out

Unfortunately this post is a bit of a downer, but also a candid and heart-felt one...

I've been in Mexico for 9 months now and it's been one of the most insightful, inspiring and challenges moments in my life yet (I'll go into this later). While this is true....the first half of my time here has been very different from my last months. While I've been on many more visits to different communities across the country, I've also been home a lot less. I've been cooking less, exercising less and have been much more stressed.

Since February 1, I've been very sick physically....I now have colitis or what's know as a "nervous stomach" which has giving me horrible inflammation and pain for three months now and is related to stress. It's nothing fun and really effects my everyday life in a big way. Imagine feeling horrible every day or every other day for three months now....It starts to effects you emotionally and mentally. On top of this health issue, I've had others as well, that are related to stress and my stomach problems.

In addition to these physical problems, I also have a number of other things that have been taking a toll on me. My grandfather has been very ill for about a month now and I've been returning to Mexico City to frequently to take care of him in his sickness. A week ago, he fell extremely ill. I returned to help my family in taking care of him and two days ago, he passed away. This has been very hard for me and my family. While this is true, I just feel very fortunate that I have had this chance to spend time with him and watch over him when he needed it the most. This has effected every other aspect in my life in a negative way, including the healing process I was going through with all my stomach problems.

While I have learned so much and have grown as a person here, I am ready to go home. I just don't feel like I can live a calm and healthy life here with the way the food, stress, pollution, noise, etc. has effected me. I haven't really found a natural, quite place where I can hike and walk among the birds and tress and living this disconnection has been one of the hardest things for me. I feel like I'm in another person's body I don't know, I've had a number of physical problems I've never had before and I don't seem to be getting better, I'm actually getting worse. I'm always rushing from one place to another and I haven't really found a good outlet for all this nervous energy.

I've loved my time here and I can't wait to build upon the foundations I've created here but I feel like I've hit a point of despair and high level of mental, physical and emotional unhealthiness. I've thought about all of this a lot and I feel like the only way I will begin to heal is by returning home, eating healthy and fresh food, exercising daily in nature (take my dog on walks around the lakes, hike, riding my bike-the activities I do daily back home), meditating, living in calm and quiet with my loved ones caring for me and beginning a life of routine and stability.

At first I was hard on myself about this whole thing, thinking that I was failing at my task here in Mexico..."Why can't I seem to live a stable and healthy life here?", "What's my problem, am I a weak person?", "Am I giving up by being ready to go home?" etc, etc....But I've realized how my driven and self-critical personality many times has pushed me to the edges of extremity and I've been trying to accept that I need to put my own health and well-being in front of other things. This has been very hard for me and to tell you the truth, I'm still struggling with it...but it's a process, right?

I'm just trying to get myself together and finish my time here in a positive way, appreciating every moment and tryingggggg to take things slow. The time will go so quickly and I'm hoping that before I know it, I'll be healthy again.

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